i don know

Well that about sums up what i feel today. " I dont know " state.
I would never have thought that there would come a day when i would feel so.. defeated.. thats it. I can feel it, though like an outsider.

I want to bury somewhere deep. i want to hibernate. And for a change. I dont want to talk ...

Random...

Time goes on. I used to wonder how could I leave it all behind when I keep coming back to it. How do I make a new beginning when I always carry the old memories?

Now I know. When I return, it no longer is the same thing. It has all changed. It is the same and yet it is all different. Or is it me ? Am I just looking at it in a new way ? Don't know.

Wish you many more happy birthdays bhai..

" The pain passes but the beauty remains. " Pierrre- Ausguste Renoir

simple joys

I could not wait for the weekend. Niti was in town. :) And though I had a horrible week at work, and my wisdom tooth was deciding to make an appearance with a lot of pain, swine flu alert was driving me paranoid nothing could dampen the joy of meeting and being with her.

Lovely weekend...the joy of meeting one of my best friends.
The happiness that you are always on the same page no matter where you ve been and where you are... The fact you can be so totally different, and yet so similar.. :)

so many conversations, always interspersed with loads of laughter and giggles...and loads of singing .. and yes mini... the electric guitar is just simply super duper amazing ... !! :) :)

Even though physically i am and was a little unwell, my spirits are soaring :D

one step up

" So Sheryl.... You got promoted Congratulations. You deserve it " that is how my manager tells me.
My first promotion, in my first job.
The tension the had been happening in office had been so tangible. The way the markets are, the scenes in our office. So much disappointment, but it all worked out just fine.
From Associate ( Junior Member Technical) to Analyst (Member Technical).

One step up the corporate ladder.

Sigh

For the past few days I have been on a low, for various reasons which I don’t want to pen down here. And since yesterday I have not been feeling too well either. And more than any other time I miss my mother the most in these times.
My Mum. Never gives up, never takes no for an answer, my biggest supporter, my biggest critic. I realized that as you grow up, you take their constant love, questions, nagging and well just about everything for granted. But know they make your world not just a better place, but the place to be in. They too know that being away from them; you’re going to miss everything about them.

Mummy always says: 'You’ll realize your mother's value when she's not around.’

Well, you know what I don't like to admit but actually love most about Mums, especially mine is that they're always right!!!!

I am missing my mother. Big time..

S cube :)

:) :) The S cube.. well.. madness , happiness, laughter, tears, conversations, randomness, and some more laughter and some more talk..  We can cry over things as silly as losing some certificates and mehendi on the hand not being nice.. and laugh about the same in the next breath.We can laugh and laugh and then laugh some more.. :)  

We can spend hours and hours together and feel like they were but a few minutes and all the moments spent together are .. well for the lack of any other word.. and to aptly describe it .. its Magical.. :D These guys are now one of the main reasons of my coming with a smile on my face to office..I absolutely cherish our breaks.. :) be it early morning catching up.. or the water breaks.. :) the chai/coffee/tang/gang/... or evening gap shap.. to our very legally organized "tecchiee gtalk group" chat talks.. :)   

Its amazing how God sends us angels everywhere, to make us realize that happiness is not just within reach, it is right here. Every day I thank Him for my lovely angels.. :) I love u gals.. I love the fact that we are so different in so many ways and yet so same in so many other ways.. I love Scube .. For what we are together.. :) :)

Cheers to us !!

moments

Sometimes. There is this fraction of a second, when you don't desire anything, you don't think about anything, you don't wish for something, you just be. I call it my perfect moments. Being content with me.
I have these quite often when I am at the beach. Be it even a dirty one, like that of juhu.
Something about the sea inspires me. I am filled with an awe which is laced with excitement.

My recent trip to mumbai, 4 days, was a whole new class of holiday. Only gopi and me. stayed at her uncles place.
The city ... i felt so comfortable there.
The local trains, the best buses, the black and yellow taxis.. Colaba, bandra, juhu, andheri, gateway of india, chowpatti, santa cruz, ghat koppar...the shopping. the eating at leopold, mondegar, theobroma, not just jazz by the bay..the walk down marine drive.. the walk on juhu beach...

Patience levels have reduced i noticed... wonder if thats because I am getting older and tolerance levels are decreasing. Sigh.

I think I am good to say bye bye to hyderabad. Wonder when that day will come though.

For today I am going to cherish the memory of my perfect moment that I had yesterday at juhu beach . Standing there with the waves at my feet, sun and sea facing me, the sky above me. And the smile on my face.

Shoot me !

And today my brother flew in from Delhi to surprise me. And when he calls me from the airport, what's my first reaction; I yell at him. Saying " Could you not plan it with me, I have work and blah blah". When, whennnnn did I become like this ?
He surprised me and  what a warm welcome I gave him :(

Later I did take a couple of hours off . I love him and I always enjoy our time together but today even that was tainted.

I feel miserable.

:(

"being scared is a good thing. it means you have something to lose."

yes, i am afraid.
aren't you?'

But what if you start worrying about all the wrong reasons and wrong things...

Today one of my real good friends was asked to leave.. no not recession.. Just plain nonsense.. just because he had an opinion and did not lick his managers arse.

I feel so .. i dont know. Devoid ......

Friend ... Friends.. Friend..

You win some friends and lose some friends and along the path you find yourself. My almost 2 years in Hyderabad have had such a strong impact on me. I never realized when I became so cynical and started trying to second guess peoples intentions and motives.

Sigh. But in some ways I have also realized that no matter how much my mind has changed (I will not get into , whether its changed for better or for worse), my heart is still the same. I still believe that people are good. Yes all of them. Some of them do things which may not be right, can be hurtful/painful which tarnishes your view about them. I still care very deeply about the people I think are my dear and close friends. Even if I do get disillusioned on the way, about what they are, what they believe, how they live etc etc.

Am I missing something? Because I don't befriend people for what they are. I love them for who they are.. All differences , similarities, everything and anything which makes them what they are.. Sometimes they take me for a fool, because though I get hurt I don’t necessarily show my pain. I still forgive. I move on.

My capacity to let go and let some things “just be “scares me.

I dreamt a Dream

I am not a person who has a lot of dreams.. or at least I dont remember most of them.Sometimes, I wake up knowing I had a dream about something not so pleasant.. which made me restless. And on other days, happy thoughts happy emotions happen..
But strange isn it .. quite often, i wake up just when I am going to dream the dream that I want the most.

All over again..

For someone who is quite adept at not talking about the past, and shrugging at whatever happened in the past thinking what has happened, has happened. I have been taking a walk back down that memory lane quite a few times, over the past couple of weeks. It leaves me with a feeling of disquiet, which I am quite averse of . I am going over it and all around it, all over again. Mulling over the different things, trying to figure out why what who. And still come to no definite this is this and that was that answer. It’s a vicious circle. I know. I guess I just want to break free of ….. I wish I knew what….

Weekend Notes

After what seems like forever I got a weekend which I absolutely loved. It was near perfect .
Friday - I did a little bit of reading,  cooked some paneer bhurji and jeera rice.  Had some friends over for lunch, chats over food, about nothing :) In the evening went out for a bit of window shopping and came back home, read some more and went to bed early.
Saturday -  had some work to get done so got up early and then finished and was back by 9 a.m. Made breakfast, and then met Niti for lunch. Conversations over Chinese food, is  the best combo :P And then we walked from lumbini mall to nagarjun circle and obviously had to stop at coffee day.
And then it was time for my first ever Pottery Class !! :) I absolutely, totally loved it .. :) :)
To think I thought it would be soo easy. My teachers name is JaiPrakash. After a lot of  clay, over my hands, jeans, kurta and me and a silly grin on my face  after 2 and a half hours, I  had 2 vases , 1 penstand , and a couple of diyas.. :) 

The remaining part of the day I went and saw 2 plays, by the Dramanon group. Sunday was church and lazy day !! Watched some of my favorite bollywood movies, yet again -  Om shanti Om .. jaane tu ya jaane naa, jab we met , Juno

I want more days to be weekend days !!!

Mummy

Sometimes all you need to do is nothing and everything falls into place. My time at home this time made me realize that no matter how much I fight with and complain about her, my mother is the best thing that’s happened to me . And surprisingly I hardly fought with her the past 8 days I was with her. A friend says.. I am growing up. Maybe I am. I like it .

On the Playlist Today

I absolutely love this song .. :) its been on my playlist ..constantly ..

"The journey home
Is never too long
Your heart arrives before the train
The journey home
Is never too long
Some yesterdays always remain
I'm going back to where my heart was light
When my pillow was a ship I sailed through the night

The journey home
Is never too long
When open arms are waiting there
The journey home
Is never too long
There's room to love and room to spare
I want to feel the way that I did then
I'll think my wishes through before I wish again

Not every road you come across
Is one you have to take
No, sometimes standing still can be
The best move you ever make

The journey home
Is never too long
One helps to heal the deepest pain
The journey home
Is never too long
Your heart arrives before the train "

Cant wait to get home.. :)

Interesting Conversation

I love a sudden random  yet absolutely meaningful conversation. Some of the best conversations, have started as nothing but random things like talking shop  :)
But when I look back now, the best learning's have been from the same.

It amazes me how kicked I am about these kind of conversations. I miss the people with whom I have had them and I am grateful for the ones with whom I have them now.

Sometime's all you need to do is listen. Not necessarily understand. Acceptance according to discretion. But definitely listen.

Penny for them ?

We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered.

Just Like that

Today after like a few weeks of being on a low... I am feeling fine. Actually more than fine. I feel happy . There is no reason nothing which has trigerred off this emotion, this  state of wellness.

So many days went off in a daze and I realized as someone rightly said that as time goes by what I remember about the people in my life is how they made me feel. I know unlike what is the popular and common belief I can be pretty closed when I want to be. Hopefully this was a phase of antisocial emotion  and it seems to be passing.

Everything passes. But sometimes the hardest part is waiting for it to pass..

I crossed another bridge today and i am happy :)

Hmmmm

"The greatest tragedy is when man gives up what he wants most for what he wants now!"
If I had to say, where I was today then the quote above seems to be the most apt one. sigh.. yes it does make me feel miserable. I am in a gray mood. I was just thinking how suddenly one small something somewhere can make you realize what you actually are missing.
Today I have absolutely no clue as to where I am heading. Which is not as scary as my next thought, which is I don't really care.
When did I become this cynical ? Since when am I rethinking my ideologies ??
Well my first job is teaching me a lot of things. Wish I could say "good things" . Sigh. its disillusionment time. Its a pandemonium in my head right now. I need some breathing space.

I am surprised by myself. The varied emotions that i can feel.
I have been on a roller coaster of happiness, sadness, fury, indifference , excitement , loneliness , joy , peace , a vague feeling of disquiet. Phew. I wonder how i can feel all these almost at the same time.
Happiness when shared increase multi fold .. sadness . well it likes solitude.. but these past few days i ve been lonely. though i have so many friends. something has been just missing. wish there was something i could pin point and say . yes . this is it. I just Don't feel like making an effort, which is so not "me" .. from a person who believes in making bridges with the people she meets and being one herself. I realize that for the past couple of days I am starting to build walls around myself.

Wonder where I am going. EQ has been really really bizarre for me. Sigh.

The Trip

I am just back from one of the best trips of my life. It was such an unplanned trip but it worked out to be perfect.On friday morning we decide to go on a trip. Five of us, hire an innova, an on saturday morning at 6 ish we are on our way to Gokarna.
The ride to the place was fun. Sandy took the place next to the swami driver. Gopi and me and arjun an joy took turns to sit all over :).
It was a calm sleepy journey to the place. With a few stopovers. Like when we crossed Krishna river. We stopped climbed down to the shore. spent some time there. I like road trips for this. The freedom, to stop where u want to. Some places you just want to get off and just breathe in the view. I know i have a few unforgettable clicks in my heart. :)
We get to gokarna late in the evening and since we dont have any resort bookings... and so we stay in one shadyy place.. I was a little worried. It so looked like the hotel decent from Jab we met .. :) :) but hotel om was alrite.. nothing untoward happened.
Next day morning we checked into a proper hotel Gokarna intl.. Nice rooms.. aahh.. the luxury of a nice bathroom.. I have realized that i am so finicky about the bathrooms more so than the rooms.. :) Had a hearty meal At namaste Cafe.. :) and then the beautiful beach.
Arabian sea is supposed to be a rough sea. But then which sea is not.
I loved it. We were on Om beach the first day. buried gopi in sand .. Did playin in the water and this and that .. had a perfect lazy day @ the beach. Returned and played cards. watched ManU and Chelsea FB macth .. :) and slept. :)
Next day went to the famous temple.. and then went shopping around.. :) thoughfor the first time i ended up buyin nothing.. just didn find anything ...
After all this we all went.. a little rock climbing.. a little trekking.. lotsa food.. :) and then the beach again...this time Kudle beach... :) beauitiful.. not commercialized and fun and peaceful.. and for the boys there were alot of foreigners which kinda made their day :) :)
we took a chothu Boat and travelled on the sea... gopi was so scared as she doesn noe to swim.. but the ride was beautifull.. we explored the gokarna beach , the half moon beach and the paradise small and big beach.. :) the sky was beautiful .. the sunset one of the best i have seen to date.
Then we decided to continue the adventure. :) and decided to spend the nite in shacks/cottages by the beach.. :) we were lying around in the beach till 3 in the morn.. only us..:) i took a walk alone.. I love water.. and the Sea .. always inspires awe in me.. It has always helped me put things in perspective.. realize wat the important things are. It calms me. and inspires me. :) and makes me smile .. and hope. :) the moonlit walk (it was a full moon and apparently the biggest moon for this year) , the wet sand with the waves splashing on my feet... beautiful.. I felt so comfortable with myself.. And for the first time in my life there was this warmth in me.. :) knowing that some day I ll share this journey with a someone. there is the hope of someone :)

and there dawned another early morning for us.. :) did a little trekking and oh la.. we were on our way to dandeli.. :)
the resort Horn BIll .. was beautiful .. situated in between the forests.. :) and the food .. hehehe was out of this world.
I went White water Rafting. 9.5 kms.. It was amazing. :) the instructor told me i Am good at it.. :) which pleased me to no end. :) The water here was so different from that of the sea.. :) clean and sweet. :) i Swamm... the current was amaznig. :) loved it.. we went to this place where there is gushing stream of water.. Natural Jacuzzi.. :) Awesome just doesnt seem an apt enough word to describe the whole thing. :) and ooh yes.. I stayed in the most beautiful tree house ever.. :)
to make end it on a bright note. :) there was a bonfire lit.. :) we had tea and late evening snacks and then all set to hit the road again,... :) Through the western Ghats.. :) :)
back to hyd.. :) ooh wat a trip...
I loved every minute. :)

Christmas season :)

A season of hope, joy and happiness. Somehow its always been my favourite time of the year. I prefer winters over summer any day. And the fact that the Christmas falls during this season is like a cherry on the cake. ..
All my life i have been crazy about Christmas . I wait every year for it. and once the advent season startes my joy is wel.. :) never mind... And every year until this year I have celebrated it with my near and dear ones back home. This was my first Christmas away from home.. And for a lot of reasons I was so not looking forward to it.
And I was feeling horrible because Christmas is after all my bestest friends birthday ..
And then He only made it so special for me this year.. Made me realize all over again.. that its the love that counts .. Place and people may change. But the love that you give and you get keeps you going :)
Once again I realized how very blessed I am .
My friends here played secret angel, to make it special and exciting for me. Josephaa who was my secret santa gave me wacky and funny gifts which make me smile :) anytime..
My secret child was Khan ...buying him his gifts and seeing his happiness has been a revelation for me. I never realized that I could be so thoroughly truly happy seeing someone else's happiness.
My roomie gopi and reddy teddy did up a Christmas tree at home to surprise me ..
My 2 lovely angels Sejal and Sheetal became my Secret Santas in office to suprise me.. :) and gave me such thoughtful notes and touching gifts which made my week. I also almost died guessing who it was that was leaving me PRESENTS :)
Then i was off to Bangalore. Parents decided to come there just for christmas eve.Christmas day was good .. Avery quiet family affair. Only my parents and my brother.
And I oved the midnight visit to Infant Jesus church . The quiet and serene atmosphere of the church. And the Christmas Mass... My soul was still and it was beautiful.
Then went to another good friends house for a nite.. Niru baby .. You are a package of happiness.. :) and nuts and muffin. Sniff.. I ve also fallen in love with them, on first sight.
To finish of a good time met with my best friends from college and had a lovely time with them. and la whoosh back to Hyd.
I have loved every moment of this season. And realized that so many people, have been the key in this happiness. :) i thank God for all of them in my life. :) And want to say .. I love them all.. Life has been made so much more beautiful and lovely and meaningful thanks to all of them.

Cross Roads

Its simply amazing, how every now and then in life I reach crossroads. Crossroads. Again here comes another one. I know what I want to do in future. I am like so sure. And it is not what I am doing now. Yet the choice so simple is so difficult to make. I am doing something which I am good at but not what my heart wants . And I have to be daft because though I know what I want I am just still continuing where I am .. Oh My Goood.. what is wrong with me.. Sigh.

GOD

Since my childhood I have been one whose life has been centered around God and his ways. But it was only in my late teens that I had a lasting experience of Him. One that made me more spiritual from being just religious. I have loved having Him in my life. I can now see how beautifully he has worked on me throughout. Though I must admit not all the things have been to my liking, but the knowledge of knowing that it will work out has been quite soothing.
I want to have a lasting experience of God. Sometimes I understand Him, but then I lose it. Because I get distracted, by my dreams, my fears, my doubts. I guess I want to learn how to be part of this world yet be with Him. When will I get there, is something that makes me smile and frown and wonder and wish . And pray.

:) fresh beginnings ??

After so many days of constant consideration.. here i go again.. blogging !! :P sighh... fresh beginnings.. i have always loved the beginning...